Many of your college-age students have been away since Christmas break and more than likely, you’ve lost contact with them. (By contact, I mean more than just knowing their Facebook or Twitter updates.) So, what’s the best way to capitalize on these upcoming summer months for reconnection? Here are three ideas:

• Move toward them, not the other way around. If you wait around for your college-agers to contact you, it may not happen, or it’ll happen in August when they’re heading off again. Initiate a conversation before they come home—like now. Reach out to say you’d love to connect at some point when they get home.

• Buy them something to eat or drink. Free food never gets old. And hopefully, the latte, or burger, lends itself to meaningful conversation that will lay the groundwork for more connections throughout the summer.

• Invite them to your house/apartment/domicile/abode. Face it, conversations tend to go deeper and more vulnerable in your living room, than they will in, say Dairy Queen. Inviting someone into your space is also a way of communicating that you trust and enjoy them. Free food is also appreciated in this setting as well.

With each of these ideas, remember that you’re there for them, not the other way around. So, be a good listener, letting them process what’s happened this year without adding a bunch of personal commentary. (Sometimes commentary is necessary. As a general rule, however, listen more than you talk.)

Come August, the goal is to leave them heading back to school knowing that you genuinely care about who they are and how God is working in their story.

Abbie Smith is the co-author of The Slow Fade, and a writer and partner support for XP3 College. Abbie’s latest book, Celibate Sex: Musings on Being Loved, Single, Twisted, and Holy, is now available at most online retailers.

It’s rare to meet someone in leadership who wouldn’t appreciate a few (or 50) more volunteers. And when it comes to a model like XP3 College, which essentially runs on the willingness of adult volunteers, this topic is crucial. Some of you may’ve recruited all the volunteers you need, while others may need help with recruitment (we’ll write a future Ezine article on this; or email us and we can brainstorm with you), regardless, recruiting is just the start; training is the key.

In The Slow Fade, Reggie, Chuck and I (Abbie) talk about “protecting your investment,” which in the book’s context, means the Church’s investment in our youth from nursery through high school. Today, I’m tweaking this a bit to mean protecting your investment in volunteers, not just for your sake, but for theirs.

Most of us can recall a time we got burnt out (and possibly bitter) by way of a volunteer position. So, as one now stewarding those positions, how do you assure that that will not be the case for your volunteers? Well, you may not be able to assure it, but here are three training tips we’ve seen be fruitful when it comes to investing well in your XP3 College volunteers:

1. Emphasize the user-friendliness of XP3 College. The last thing a volunteer wants is something complicated. You should probably assume that your volunteers are already “running on fumes” and are serving not because they have heaps of energy and margin in their lives, but because they have a heart for the college-age crowd. We’ve intentionally designed the Conversations to be just that, a conversation, and not a complicated program that requires complex amounts of preparation, or knowledge. Reading through of the two-ish page “Mentor’s Guide” should equip your volunteers well and with everything they need. With this said, emphasize that the greatest gift they can offer is themselves, not a perfected program or script, which leads to the next point.
2. Reiterate the idea of a conversation “guide,” not a “script.” It’s tempting as a mentor to feel like you need to control the conversation and lead its every turn. “Control” and “guide” are very different verbs, though. Remind your mentors that the goal of XP3 College is to stimulate discussion, not to agree, or land, on an exact belief. Although this goes against the grain of many assumptions about mentoring, we believe guiding, or facilitating, a conversation with this age-stage is the most fruitful and transformative approach (versus indoctrinating, or pushing conclusive endpoints). Easier said than done, however, as this entails that mentors listen more than they talk and offer advice in drops, not bucket-loads. In the end, we believe this not only enables transformation, but frees up mentors to be “present” and not “perfected,” cooperative “learners” and not “experts.”
3. Initiate dialog about how God is using their role as a mentor, or how a particular Conversation is effecting their life. A high value of XP3 College is something we call “mutual transformation.” In essence, it means that by God’s grace, the one being mentored will be transformed, as will the one mentoring. Most models in the area of mentoring reflect a teacher/pupil set-up, which isn’t always wrong, but it also isn’t always the most effective means of growth. By asking your mentors how God is teaching them through their role, or growing them through a given Conversation, you’re investing in them, while you affirm God’s promise that in all things, He’s at work for the good, teaching, counseling and transforming.

Abbie is the author of Can You Keep Your Faith in College, The Slow Fade, with Reggie Joiner and Chuck Bomar and Celibate Sex. She holds degrees from Emory University and Talbot Seminary’s Institute of Spiritual Formation and resides in Savannah, Georgia, with her husband Micah. Abbie is also a writer for XP3 College, part of the Orange Strategy to reach 18- to 25-year-olds.

How many times do you think the average parent tells his or her child, “You need to eat your vegetables, little Johnny, or Jane?” A lot.

And how many times do you think it would take to tell an adult this same thing before you’d end up with a plate of smashed food in your face? Probably not a lot.

Children need instruction, and adults do, too, but in a different flavor. And no one likes to be repeatedly told what to do all the time.

College students often feel like they’re being treated childishly. It may not be advice about their vegetables, but between parents and teachers, media and bosses, they’re constantly bombarded with advice about doing this, or not doing that.

It’s a tricky balance when we talk about lending them advice, then. While we don’t want to baby them or preach to them, we do want to guide them toward their God-imaged identity (Genesis 1:27) as an adult (Titus 2).

Drawing from a posture of humility and connecting, versus answers and instructing, college students are craving your affirmation and observations more than you know.

Here are three things—not a script, or life-changing formula, but simply words (that you can put into your own words)—we believe any college student will benefit to hear.

1) Less is more.
“There are SO many decisions and options and opportunities at your fingertips right now. Don’t be afraid to say ‘no’ to some things, in order to focus more fully on others. For instance, when you consider church and campus ministries, instead of visiting a new one every week, how about considering a commitment to one for this whole year? Or in friendships, I’ve found that a handful where I know and am known leaves me far healthier than a hundred acquaintances.”

2) I’m here for you.
“College can be overwhelming. Whether it’s the amount of decisions, or the complexity of relationships, it can seem as if you’re treading water and moving fast in no good direction. But I’ve found this tendency in myself and am slowly learning that where we are right now is a ‘season,’ and will soon shift into another season. And it’s gonna be all right. In the meantime, I want you to know that I’m here for you—to listen, talk, pray, play, whatever you think you need.”

3) God is here for you.
“A lot of times in the midst of stress, or hard times, I forget that God is dedicated to my good. But His Word promises that He never lets anything happen that isn’t ultimately for my good (Romans 8:28). In other words, even though at the time it doesn’t always seem like it, God’s goodness, and the goodness we long for, are one and the same. In light of whatever situation you find yourself in today, remember that God is for you, not against you. He is at work and is out for your best.”

XP3 College offers Conversation Guides for mentors and small group leaders to connect older adults with 18-25 year olds. XP3 College also offers a transition piece, called XP3 Next, for High School seniors and an ongoing connection piece for the first semester away. For more information, visit www.xp3college.org.

As mentors, how much should we share about ourselves?

The Bible is not short on leaders who struggled with cheating, anger, sex addiction, alcoholism, anxiety, gossip, insecurity and doubt, which honestly should be an encouragement to us. We know God doesn’t call us to lead because we’re perfect. But how are we to lead well, while knowing full well that we’re imperfect?

We’re not professional counselors (who intentionally and essentially divulge nothing about their lives) and we’re not intimate peers (who intentionally and essentially divulge most about their lives), so when it comes to mentoring, what should we tell? And what are some helpful thoughts on telling too much, or not telling enough?

Here are some that we came up with:

Be quick to hear and slow to speak (James 1:19). In other words, listen more than you talk, and when you listen, don’t just do so deriving answers and personal stories in response, but listen in order to actually hear, and then discern if and what you’re to say.

Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep (Romans 12:15). If someone close to you died last week, by all means, don’t hide such news. Leading well involves vulnerability. But also prioritize serving the other person by speaking into or listening to where your mentee is—whether that’s rejoicing, weeping or somewhere in between.

Confess to a point of acknowledging your humanness, and need for a Savior. Resist confessing to a point of unnecessary dumping, or to the other extreme of avoiding confession, in order to seem mature, or beyond sin.

Forgive as God in Christ forgave you (Ephesians 4:32). At times, the one you’re mentoring will seem self-absorbed and stuck in his/her own story. This is the tendency of being an 18-25 year old. Forgive them. At times you’ll realize you’re being self-absorbed and stuck in your own story. This is the tendency of being human. Forgive yourself as God in Christ forgave you.

Don’t substitute your mentoring relationship for peer interaction, or let it suffice for your own relational intimacy. This robs both you and the one you’re mentoring of true intimacy. It’s fair to expect that those you’re mentoring are coming to dump. It’s not fair to do the same to them. You shouldn’t be leaning into your mentee to counsel you. That’s for your intimate peers and mentors. Reflecting back on your time with someone, if you realize your tendency of talking more than you desired, or unintentionally “leaking” more about your issues and opinions than you’d planned, those are great signs that maybe intimate relationships are lacking in your life. And in this scenario, you may be tempted to curse your weakness and conclude that you’re an awful mentor. Take note: “There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,” (Romans 8:1). But also take note that this may be God’s kindness, revealing that you’d do well to seek your own intimate friendships, or a mentor for yourself. It’s implicit in our great commission to “go and make disciples of all men” (Matthew 28:19), that we’ve first “stayed, and been made” by caring men and women in our lives.

When we consider Jesus’ relationships, we can conclude a range of things that help us conduct and carry out our own relationships. Consider the different ways in which Jesus communicated with others, from His closest disciples, to children, or to a woman caught in ghastly sin.

Consider Gethsemane, where we see Him sharing far more vulnerably about His sorrow and weakness than when teaching affront a crowd of followers, or sharing a parable. Or what about in Matthew 12:46-50, where Jesus withholds what might seem compassionate, or respectful, words toward His immediate family, apparently knowing the need for words directed at His Kingdom family?

Sometimes Jesus says a lot and sometimes very little; sometimes He ministers with words and sometimes with actions, or tears.

What can we learn from Jesus about how to mentor well, with both vulnerability and limit?

Based on your experiences as a mentor, would you add anything to this list?

An interview by Abbie Smith

Recently, the XP3 College team received an encouraging email from Jenna Hale, college coordinator at World Outreach Church in Murfeesboro, Tennessee. Curious as to what inspired her to write us, we dug a little deeper into her experience with XP3 College and how it’s changing the lives of students.

In your words, Jenna, “XP3 College has been extremely effective and a phenomenal tool for our college age ministry.” What makes you say so?
This curriculum has been a great blessing to us. The topics are relevant to the age-group, and the Guides are not so crammed with points of discussion that it becomes a race to complete the study rather than an opportunity to discuss and apply truth to the lives of those involved. (That is probably one of my favorite things about this curriculum—it allows room to breath, time to let the Holy Spirit move in the hearts of those involved and also gives everyone the opportunity to share.) The content is clear and concise. The leaders have found the dialogs [in each Conversation Guide] easy to follow and great direction for their groups.

What is the context for your ministry and how you’re implementing this resource?
We use the studies in a small group setting (guys with guys and girls with girls), averaging eight group members and a leader. We meet once a week and spend at least an hour in groups together. All of the groups do the same study at the same time. And I make sure the leaders receive each study a minimum of two weeks in advance so they have plenty of time to prepare and feel comfortable with the material.

I have purchased multiple studies at a time to allow time to plan our calendar in advance. I also like to have more than I need or will currently use so that I have a strong grasp on the topics available to us through these studies. I try to plan the studies based on where I feel the group is at that time, what they may be most receptive to or ready to walk through, and what is happening on the calendar (are we near graduation, are we near Easter, are we near the new school year, etc.) and how the studies may support that season in the lives of the young adults we’re ministering to. I also work our studies around other events that we plan for the college group (summer Barn Parties, worship/teaching nights, nights off due to holidays, Christmas Party, service projects, etc.), so we are not always working through a study when we meet.

On a practical note, how do you select your leaders and determine who goes in what group?
Each year, we have a season of intentional recruiting that begins in the month of April and continues through the month of May. We make the opportunity known to the congregation through a variety of ways and ask them to prayerfully consider serving in one of the Next Generation areas (birth through college ages). Many of our leaders come from this season of recruitment. Also, we are intentional throughout the year to prayerfully seek out those within our sphere of influence and invite them to serve with the college-age group. We are constantly on the lookout for people we would like to invite to help minister to the young adults here at WOC.

We strongly desire to make The Gathering a welcoming place and strongly encourage our leaders to seek out new faces and help visitors get connected immediately. Many times that is how visitors are placed in groups—they get connected with a leader or a current Gathering young adult and are invited to participate in that small group. A staff member will help those who do need assistance in finding a group by asking some basic “get to know you” questions and pairing that person with a group whose members may share similar interests.

Do you do any training for your leaders to help them understand this age group? If so, what do you do, or utilize?
At the beginning of each new volunteer year (our volunteers commit from August to August, a one-year commitment), we hold late-night trainings for current and new volunteers. Our college group meets on Monday nights so we schedule the late-night trainings on those evenings so our volunteers don’t have to come to campus multiple times in a week. During those two weeks of late-night training, the volunteers have the opportunity to sit in on a group and see how things work first hand. Then, after we dismiss, all the volunteers meet together for late-night training. We review our philosophy on small groups, our mission and goals as a church and how they influence the college group ministry, as well as how to be an effective small group leader to this age group. We also answer any questions the volunteers may have. After the two weeks of late-night training, new volunteers are placed permanently with a current leader.

XP3 College is a very different way to connect with college-age people. Did you have any hesitation about using this resource initially?
I didn’t have any initial hesitation in using this curriculum. In reviewing XP3 College, I knew it would be a great fit for how we minister to our young adults.

What did you have to do to make it work in your environment?
The XP3 College curriculum fits really well with how our college group is set up so we don’t have to do much to make it work. We basically choose the studies and then implement them as they are suggested. We follow a dialog a week, providing the Conclude to Continue information to each young adult to work on throughout that week. If the Catalyst suggests a video clip we will watch that as a large group before we dismiss to small groups. If it suggests reading through an article we make sure to provide copies of the article for our leaders.

Which Conversation Guides have created the most buzz with your groups?
All of the Conversation Guides we’ve used have gone over really well, but the three that stand out the most are The One About the Holy Spirit, The One About Rest and The One About Shame. Those three studies were really well received by our group.

One of the things we believe at XP3 College is that mutual fascination leads to mutual transformation. That means that college-age people and older adults are learning from one another, and the Holy Spirit is transforming them both. Have you seen that play out with your groups? How?
Absolutely. I have seen this curriculum not only impact the young adults but the leaders as well. A few weeks ago one of our female leaders came to me after groups and said that she needed that more than her girls! XP3 College definitely offers the opportunity for anyone involved in the study to be transformed.

Why would you recommend XP3 College versus another resource?
XP3 College is both biblically based and relevant to the young adult community. It’s also well written (easy to understand and follow) and effective. Because of the amount of content in each dialog, the small group leader/mentor really has the opportunity to encourage his/her group members to reach a place of honesty and depth that I think is vital if freedom and transformation are to take place. XP3 College is a great resource!

XP3 College offers Conversation Guides for mentors and small group leaders to connect older adults with 18-25 year olds. XP3 College also offers a transition piece, called XP3 Next, for High School seniors and an ongoing connection piece for the first semester away. For more information, visit www.xp3college.org.

Vulnerability is prized by many these days. In fact, for many people, it’s on par with the fruit of the Spirit. As mentors though, how do we balance vulnerability and honesty? One answer is boundaries.

Boundaries are limits, or recognized limitations and expectations for a given relationship. At first, this word sounded dreadfully unchristian to me, like putting barriers around my interactions, or fences around how I interacted with people. But I’ve learned the hard way that boundaries are actually an aspect of a mature Christian. They give structure to relationships and remind us that we’re limited in nature and have limitations as a human being.

What’s the Point?

Odd as it may sound, the point of creating boundaries is freedom and a grounded understanding of where one stands in a given relationship.

No boundaries, on the other hand, means no bearings for the state of your relationship. Lines get blurred between parent/friend/counselor/peer, so chaos can ensue in how you relate and respond to one another.

Many of us have experienced relationships in which we had false expectations of where we stood with a person, or assumed a person stood with us. Maybe our false perceptions were about how we fit into a group dynamic, and we were eventually let down. Poor boundaries can result in anything from mistrust and hurt, insecurity and one-sided relationships, to unclear expectations and even codependency.

Mostly due to pride and insecurity, I’m sad to say I’ve led mentees into most of the above—all of which could’ve been prevented by upfront communication. Mentoring a girl some years back, I held tight to an ideal of “being available all the time, day or night.” When she took me up on this, however, calling late at night, or multiple times throughout the day, I slowly got bitter. Instead of realizing that I, in fact, was the one who’d set this lenient boundary, I began to resent the girl for following the boundary I’d provided.

Where To Begin

Lacking boundaries leads to chaos and an overload of them leads to legalism, so there’s no easy middle. Different relationships will require different boundaries. And to some degree that discernment will be up to you and your awareness of your self, and of the other person. A teacher in the Bronx may need different boundaries than a businessman in Des Moines, Iowa, just like a stay-at-home-mom will likely thrive with different boundaries than a single thirty-something who’s on staff at the local church. When it comes to mentoring college-age individuals, begin by exploring hopes and expectations for the relationship, as well as asking what’s wise in light of where God has you.

In a general sense, boundaries flow from our time, energy, expectation and discernment of what God might be doing in a given relationship. If you’re married, your spouse will likely have some feedback, and the same may be true with roommates or co-workers if you’ll be meeting in a common space. Your boundaries may need to shift at some point, and often finding them means crossing them, and then having to backtrack.

Case in point, generally speaking, I choose not to spend one-on-one time with males. But in the middle of editing this, I received word from a guy friend that he’d popped his bike tire and needed a ride home. I reasoned with God for about thirty seconds on why this boundary is important to me and how it seemed beneficial, or potentially detrimental, in this situation—and then I gathered my things and went to pick him up. Another scheduling boundary might be a commitment to fully resting on the Sabbath. And though Jesus seemed committed to this God-ordained boundary, too, He also challenges us on it as a hard and fast rule in Luke 13:10-17.

There’s no firm list of what you should/shouldn’t cover, but here are some starting points you might consider:

• Define your role: “I’m not here to fix, heal, or parent you. I care about you, but I cannot change you, or take away your problems.”

• Discuss how you tend to communicate: “When I disagree with you, it doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. I will have my own opinions at times and you will have yours—my goal is never to prove you wrong, but to search with you toward common ground in our relationship with God.”

• Talk about your expectations of frequency and duration of meeting, as well as availability: “I love meeting with you weekly (or however often you decide) and you’re welcome to call or email me anytime. I will try to reply to reply to messages within 24 hours. And to prioritize my wife and kids, often I’ll silence, or even turn off my phone, after 5 p.m. and on Sundays.”

• Recognize that part of learning boundaries coincides with learning to guard our hearts. Proverbs 4:23 says: “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life,” (NLT). I probably would’ve told Solomon that all was a bit extreme, but apparently he (with God’s inspiration) thought not. Our hearts are apparently worth guarding more than anything else we guard, including another’s expectation of us.

• If there are topics you prefer to avoid discussing, it’s best to mention these upfront.

• Share any preferences, or pet peeves (sensitivity to feedback, punctuality habits, etc.), upfront as well (when they seem quirky and funny, versus embittering).

• How do you view confidentiality in this relationship? (What is strictly between you, or is there a time you would seek, or refer, to further counsel?)

• We encourage you to be open about your ups and down with God, and otherwise. But do keep in mind that your mentee is carrying his/her own bag of burdens and came to you seeking an ear to listen and possibly a life to lean on—not the other way around. The following may be helpful in your discernment of whether or not to share:

1. Will sharing this be beneficial to the degree that the mentee might be moved closer to God by doing so?
2. Am I reconciled enough on this topic (theology, sin struggles, etc.) to speak truthfully and lovingly toward its contents, or might I stir up greater confusion by doing so?

Talking about boundaries can seem obvious and selfish. But by choosing to set them, you’re choosing to honor your limitations and point to God as the only One who’s limitless. When a mentoring relationship happens with clear communication, purpose and expectation, there is literally no limit to how transformative it can be—for both individuals!